The First Message Formula

What Works, What Fails, What Feels Real In dating, your first message is the difference between a great conversation and getting ghosted before you even begin.

We all know the feeling: you match with someone great, you stare at their profile, your thumbs hover... and somehow you end up typing “Hey.” Which, let’s be honest, is the text equivalent of a soggy cracker.

If you want a real connection — not just a polite double tap — you need to send something that makes the other person want to answer.

What doesn’t work?

• “Hey.”
• “Hi.”
• “How are you?”
• Any message that looks like you sent it to five people before breakfast.

Also: avoid overly intense pickup lines, weird jokes you wouldn’t say out loud, or compliments that feel more like flattery than genuine interest. People can spot a canned message from a mile away.

What does work?

• Mention something from their profile. A hobby, a place, a pet, even an oddly specific opinion.
• Ask a playful question. Think casual curiosity, not third-date interrogation.
• Add a touch of humor. Just enough to show you’re thoughtful, not trying too hard.

Try these:

“Wait, you seriously play the cello and bake sourdough? How are you not already booked through 2026?”
“If I promised to let you DJ our road trip, what three songs would you demand we play first?”

These kinds of openers show attention, effort, and actual personality which is way hotter than any “sup” will ever be.

What feels real?

Being yourself. First messages are like tiny introductions, not performances. Skip the pressure to be clever or original, and just be curious. Kindness, confidence, and a little spark go a long way.

The goal isn’t to win someone over immediately. It’s to start a conversation that could lead somewhere real. So ditch the generic stuff and open with something that actually sounds like you.