Dating and the Scarcity Effect: Why You Want Who You Can’t Have

There is nothing sexier than someone who barely acknowledges your existence. They cancel last minute, reply “lol” to your paragraph, and suddenly you’re spiraling through their entire Instagram history like you’re decoding the Dead Sea Scrolls. It’s toxic, it’s humiliating, and yes—your brain is in on it.

Welcome to the scarcity effect. It’s the psychological loophole that makes things (and people) seem more valuable simply because they’re hard to get. You know, like VIP tables, sold-out concert tickets, or that emotionally unavailable hottie who left you on read for 36 hours.

Your brain—bless it—interprets this emotional unavailability as exclusivity. And exclusivity, to your dopamine-hungry system, = must have now. Not because they’re amazing, but because they’re withholding. And nothing screams “long-term potential” like someone who responds to your text with a dry “cool.”

It’s not just you. The science checks out. Scarcity triggers anxiety, and anxiety boosts desire. So that person who shows up 10% of the time? Your brain says: rare Pokémon. But really? It’s a glitch in the system. You’re craving validation, not connection. You’re mistaking the thrill of the chase for actual emotional intimacy.

Newsflash: someone who wants to be with you is not boring. They are not “too available.” They are emotionally mature, hydrated, and probably have a working Google calendar. You deserve that. We all do.

So the next time you feel that pull toward someone who only shows up when it’s convenient for them, ask yourself: Do I actually like them, or am I just addicted to being ignored with flair?